"Not Right Now" is one of those phrases that tops my least appreciated answers list! As a child I remember my parents using this phrase occasionally. Looking back, I remember it was usually because not only was my question out of line but also my timing to ask was not very well thought out. Rather than hurting my pride in front of others, they would give me that answer and I knew a sit-down was put on the books for later.
It's funny and also kind of sad that still at 29 years old, I struggle with this answer. I am learning to spend time in thought, prayer, and discussion with my family before forging ahead with my plans. That is usually the problem, they are my plans that are centered around ME. Sometimes I may sugar coat it by saying that I want what is best for my family, or my husband, but ultimately I am usually looking to satisfy myself. I was reminded of that this week as I was slapped with a "Not Right Now".
Let me back up a few months to fill you in on the details. In the past months I have seen my friends and family take steps forward by moving to new places, starting new careers, advance their careers, start/finish their master's degrees, etc. As I watched all this unfolding around me, I started questioning why isn't my calling in life to be more glamorous, prestigious, holy, you name it and I thought it. Now please don't get me wrong, I love my children and I love fostering a loving and highly engaging learning environment for them.
In the midst of all this, I decided to seek after a preschool teaching job which I am so excited about! I can't wait to be in the classroom part-time again and also allow my boys to have that social interaction as well. In the process of applying for the position, I decided to locate a copy of my teaching license (the original is probably lost in a box in the attic but I searched for a while and then decided to order a new copy!) I knew that my renewal year was soon but I didn't realize it was THIS year! I immediately started looking into all my options for renewal and it turns out that it really is not too bad at all!
I am taking a couple of online classes through Wake Tech and enjoying them so far. This got my brain thinking in another direction...why not go for your masters Alex. Obviously, I have nothing but time on my hands and quiet...right!?! I started looking into programs and I was really getting ready to take off with it. Then, several events happened...
1. As I was trying to rush through several things at once so I could have time to research Masters programs further, I was getting very agitated with Levi (who wanted my undivided attention). I took him outside with me to do some yard work and next thing I know, there was a bee trapped in his sandal and it stung him (I had to pull the stinger out kind of sting!) and he immediately started sobbing.
2. My sweet husband (and I do mean this Matt!) reminded me that he had put his Master's on hold so that he could be home more while the kids were young.
3. I prayed that my motives and heart would be laid bare. It turns out my motive is mostly when it comes down to it...fear. I know that I want to go back to the elementary or middle school classroom eventually. Deep down, I am fearful that after taking time off schools will be reluctant to hire me.
4. I took a look at my boys this morning and realized this time is SHORT! I am the kind of person that carries stress around like its a full time job. I don't want to carry stress like that as I raise my precious little boys.
5. I answered myself "Not Right Now Alex". Just as I finally have really begun to make progress and life changes to live a kingdom centered life, I start to waiver.
I have decided that I am asking the wrong question and definitely at the wrong time. Maybe my future will entail pursuing that Master's of Education. However, my boys are little and my life is focused in the here and now. I sit here and look around at pictures of their smiling faces, cute art work, and listen to their sleepy breaths during naptime. Thank you God for renewing my mind and heart for its purpose in the here and now. For the first time, I appreciate the answer "Not Right Now."